In Control: Dangerous Relationships and How They End in Murder

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A woman is killed by her partner or ex every four days in the UK but the domestic homicide expert fears there may be many more with suspicious deaths going uninvestigated because of basic misunderstandings of the forces at play in domestic violence and how violent and abusive men cycle through identifiable and escalating stages of control and coercion.

You question the effectiveness of the adversarial system in courts because it places the victim in opposition to the offender. What is the alternative? We could double it certainly. If you start bringing in suicides, you could probably multiply it by five, six or seven times. If we’ve got a serial killer they’re given a huge amount of forensic attention, as are terrorists. Why not domestic killers? Why have we still got that really low status? Police officers are not rushing into the domestic abuse department. It’s not got that cachet. And yet that’s where they are most likely to come across killers. It then took another 2 months for the case to come to court. He was convicted on 3 counts of Assault (me, her and their 9 year old daughter). He was sentenced to 6 months on each charge (the maximum). However, to be served concurrently and therefore, with standard procedures) he served 13 weeks in prison. When he was released (which we could not be told when as it would breach his data protection rights) she was terrified to go out in her home town. What I would say is, did you have stage one first? When people think they’re in love, they’re totally happy for things to go really fast, and some of those relationships will be OK. But I would say the relationship won’t just be pushed along at a speed but also with all of these possessive things going on like pronounced jealousy. These things can happen in a normal relationship but if you’ve got someone with a history of control who is then going very fast, you’ve got loads of flags.

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Dr Gemma Graham was six years old when her mother took her own life. Photograph: Karen Robinson/The Observer Controlling behaviour is an element of domestic violence and is used more by women than men. Especially threats of vexatious complaints. All responsible community minded people want to work to reduce domestic violence. But if we are not to have an honest conversation about it then no real progress can be made. Judge Bury continued: “It is clear the family blame you for her death and her mental health had deteriorated since the last assault and they may well be right, but you have not been charged in a way that allows you to be blamed for her death.” Holiday was sentenced to two and a half years. He will be out in half that time. Living with control is the third stage and the most substantial chapter. It describes how perpetrators establish and maintain control through fear and routines, some of which may seem innocuous. One example was Vincent’s demand that the whole family would watch his favourite soap opera at the same time, every day. Everyone had to be there when the theme music started until the end.

Yes, if you define the crime of passion as a spontaneous response to some kind of trigger, confrontation or challenge: you act spontaneously and you grab the nearest weapon and things turn out in a way that nobody could have predicted. That’s what I would call the crime of passion. And that’s how things are very often argued in court, because if you can argue for crime of passion you will probably reduce your charge from murder to manslaughter. It gets used a lot. It’s due to the way that we have understood domestic abuse as an anger management problem – it’s spontaneous, when somebody’s been drinking or after an argument. But that is not how coercive control works at all.One of the cases that is mentioned in the book is the death of Emily Longley. Emily’s father, journalist Mark Longley, has created a very powerful three episode long podcast called “ Death: Love, grief and hope” in which he tries to make sense of the death of his daughter. It includes chilling audio footage that the police recorded at the house of the parent’s of the killer. The killer is recorded saying she deserved it, and that she destroyed his life. The killer is also convinced he got away with it, that he left no trace, and that he spun a good story to explain Emily’s death. Recognition: Narcissistic unsympathetic, relationship is developing rapidly, seen as a promise to hand over the right to harm. She believes these type of killers meticulously plan their murders, even putting together toolkits and maps and sometimes even sharing plans with unsuspecting friends. She said: “It can be one of the final signs leading up to a homicide. People should never ignore comments from someone saying they’d like to do this or that to their wife or partner.

Frank Mullane, the founder of AAFDA, points out that coroners can now conclude unlawful killing and suicide on “the balance of probabilities” (formerly, the test was “beyond reasonable doubt”). “If a coroner decides that a death was both a suicide and an unlawful killing that may lead to families pursuing prosecutions and civil claims.” Men who have murdered their intimate partner often suggest that the killing was justified, and in fact necessary, as they claim they are the real victims in the story. This narrative is often supported by the Media and by the Courts. As the true victims are dead, the killers are the ones who can continue to tell their story, and can perpetuate the myth of a ‘crime of passion’, that it happened in ‘the heat of the moment’, and that it is justified to do harm to your partner if you simply ‘love them too much’. The victims cannot debunk these stories, cannot show their fears and struggles in life. Given the shame that is linked to domestic violence, there is often very little evidence that points to coercive control. And even when there is, professionals can be reluctant to reveal or investigate this, as an accidental or strange death is preferable over a deliberate and thought out act.I was in a relationship for ten years that followed exactly these stages as described. It is actually quite telling how much they follow an escalating course.